Do you miss him or just the idea of him?

We’ve all been there. You watch a rom-com, or end up stuck behind a couple holding hands. Next thing you know, your typically-okay-with-the-single-life mind flashes back to whoever you were most recently with. It does not even matter how it ended, whether you ended it or they did- the memory creeps back. 

Personally, whenever I find myself missing a past relationship, I immediately try remembering to myself why it ended. Like girl, he would never call you, or only wanted sex. He literally took you out to dinner ONCE. But the mind has a funny way of playing tricks on us, where we gloss over the major red flags and remember the, like, two times he was nice. 

So how do you sort through these feelings? Are you just remembering what you want to remember, or was there truly something there? 

As a girl with quite a few dumb situationships under her belt- let me guide you girl. 

First: We’re making a pros and cons list.

Yup. I don’t care if you think it’s stupid. We’re trying to figure out if he was actually all that and a bag of chips- or if we just made him that way in our heads. 

Some examples of pros: Took initiative with planning dates, bought you flowers, was there for you in a difficult time in your life, etc. Sure, hot, of course, but that’s a subjective one.

Now, cons. I’m not even going to categorize cheating or any other disloyal behaviors here. Those aren’t cons, they’re full on deal breakers!  

Some cons my friends and I have personally experienced with guys include not communicating, always asking for physical needs, or having shitty friends. We have to remember the icks girl! 

Was he a gentleman with a kind heart, or did you just always wish that he was?

Second: We’re considering how it ended.

Did you dump him? Did he dump you? Over phone? Over- heaven forbid- Snapchat? Was there a fight- or are we on good terms? 

Here is my take. You should not reach out if they dumped you. SILENCE IS AN ANSWER! It is totally normal to miss people who played an integral role in your life. But you will never regret NOT texting an ex. So work through your feelings in private, and leave them regretting what they lost.

Also, you should never reach out to an ex-partner if they have a new partner. That is icky home wrecker behavior, no matter your intentions. If they’ve moved on, you can too. We got this.

Third: Have your feelings.

Whatever your feelings about this guy may be: sadness, anger, loneliness- let them pass through. Cry if you need to let it out, or confide in a friend. It is normal to miss people; it means you’re a human being with a heart.

Feel the feels, but don’t let them control you, or return you to a situation that doesn’t serve you.

Fourth: Put your mind and energy elsewhere. 

If we’ve determined that this guy is not worth our time, and that we were conveniently forgetting the time he was seen out with another girl or made a cringe comment, you must focus your mind and energy in other places!

The best way to do that is to try something new. My personal favorite way to invest more in myself has been to try workout classes. It’s a time solely focused on bettering yourself, and it’s away from your phone.

You may also try catching up with a friend you haven’t talked to in a while, asking if you can help on any new projects at work, or reading a new book.

Your main focus should always remain YOU. 

So remember, ladies, we’re not missing him —we’re missing the made-up version of him in our heads. A significant other with all the qualities you could ever dream of and more could be right around the corner.