How to Talk About Your Friend’s Not-So-Great Partner

By: Sara Volka

Have you ever been stuck in a room with your friend's partner, at a loss of what to say? Not because you’ve run out of conversation topics, but because of the uncomfortable wall of tension between you two? Does this tension happen to be caused by a mutual yet unspoken disconnect? Maybe you even feel as though you don’t want to talk to them. Is that bad to feel?

If any of this sounds familiar to you, I think I may know what you are going through. These feelings and questions that you are asking yourself seem to signal some form of dislike for your friend’s significant other.

I know that sounds harsh, but you have to be real with yourself before you get real with your bestie. Whether it’s because of their questionable morals and intentions or because they seem to limit your friend in some way, you don’t like how this relationship is ensuing. 

Before you begin to spiral out of guilt (which will only result in more unease), I want you to know that these are valid feelings. It’s actually a good thing to be emotionally in-tune with your friends, even when it comes to their other relationships. It’s called being caring, maybe even a little protective, and when necessary– it is certainly needed. 

As a friend, a bestie, a BIFFL, it is actually your duty to serve front in line for your girl. You’re not just a companion, you’re a support system, someone to rely on through the hardships of life. This sacrifice of your own comfort comes with friendship. So, if you’re seeing some signs that their relationship may actually be more harmful than mutually beneficial, it is totally worth bringing up. 

Sometimes, we may see unhealthy relationships unfold within our loved ones lives. Due to the sensitive nature of such topics, this might be hard to talk about on either front. I am here to reassure you; your concerns are worth speaking about. Simple communication works wonders in situations like these, and it can even help to clear up some tension and confusion within your own friendship. Who knows, maybe this could be a chance for you to reflect on how you view relationships yourself. 

With all of that being said, I think you know what this calls for: A simple sit-down conversation. 

Crazy how easy that sounds in contrast to how daunting it feels. With the possibility of this conversation turning slightly uncomfortable, It’s natural for us to want to avoid it. However, that would be doing a disservice to your friend and to yourself. In general, it’s important to learn how to confront stressors and tension in your relationships. Furthermore, there are many ways to make this talk as open and comfortable as possible.

1. Ease Into It

For starters, go into this conversation how you would any other. Ask about their day or any recent adventures they've had with their partner. Show that you care about their relationship, because the truth is that you do care! You want to see your friend happy. Cutting straight to the chase by bringing up your concerns may be too strong of a start. We do not want our beloved friend to feel as though they are being attacked. So, remember that you are talking from a place of genuine care. The goal is to make them feel supported. 

2. Show that you’re there for them

Secondly, understand that this might be hard for your friend to hear. I mean, who wouldn’t be upset to find out your best friend didn't think your partner was good for you? Compassion goes a long way in conversations such as these. Take breaks where you both need to, and practice good listening. Once again, your concerns are rooted in care, so it is important to reflect that as you reach understandings.

3. Be someone to rely on

When all has been said, be sure to vocalize your support for your friend. Validate their feelings and respect their choices.  Although it is certainly a tough conversation to have, you both know that you cherish the friendship you have built and are each coming from a place of trust.

Ultimately, it is always important to be real with your girls. While it may be hard for your friend to hear, this one talk could have saved them a lot of unwanted stress in their relationships. Even more so, you are now able to communicate and understand each other on a deeper level. 

Look out for your friends and speak when you feel the need to.