Protecting Your Energy Without Letting YOUR People Down

By: Sophia Wheway

I used to think the worst feeling in the world was being left out. Turns out, it’s actually saying no to plans and then spending the next three hours spiralling, convinced everyone hates you.

We’ve all been there. You get that text - “Drinks tonight?” - and your brain instantly flashes to the fact you haven’t had a night in all week. You’re exhausted, your hair’s a mess, and your bank account is on life support. You know you should say no… but then you think about the group photo you’ll miss, or worse, the “aww shame” reply that feels just a little too short.

And so, you say yes. You throw on whatever’s clean, slap on some mascara, and head out… even though every cell in your body is begging to be in bed.

The problem is, no one really tells you how exhausting it is to be constantly available. It’s like we grow up with this unspoken girlhood rule that being a good friend means never missing a birthday, a drink, a casual “let’s hang” message. But if you say yes to everything, you’re actually saying no to yourself.

One year, I said yes to every invite. Every coffee catch-up, every random “let’s go to IKEA” trip, every birthday night out - even when I had work at 8am the next day. By December, I was so burnt out that the idea of seeing my friends made me feel… dread. Not because I didn’t love them, but because I had nothing left to give. I’d been running on leftover energy for months.

And that’s the thing: you can’t be a good friend if you’re running on empty. Showing up half-there, distracted, tired, secretly wishing you were at home — that’s not real presence. And it’s not fair on you or them.

So here’s what I wish I’d figured out sooner:

• Be honest early. If you know you can’t make something, say it. Don’t leave it until the last minute - it just makes you feel worse.

• Pick your moments. You don’t have to be at everything. Just show up to the things that really matter.

• Stop overexplaining. “I can’t” is enough. Your friends don’t need a full diary breakdown to validate your decision.

• Protect your recharge time like you would a school deadline. Because it is that important.

And here’s the best part: the friends who matter will get it. They’ll want you rested, happy, and able to actually enjoy your time together. They won’t guilt-trip you for needing space. In fact, they’ll probably be the ones texting, “No worries, see you next week!” and meaning it.

The rest? Well… if a single “no” makes someone decide you’re a bad friend, maybe that friendship wasn’t as solid as you thought.

So, here’s my reminder for you (and for me, because I still need it): You are not selfish for protecting your energy. You are not a bad friend for saying no. And you will not lose your people by putting yourself first sometimes.

If they’re your people, they’ll love you on the days you show up — and on the days you don’t.