The Talking Stage: How a Crush can Rob your Character

By: Brooke Erickson

So, I have a crush, what now? As exciting as it is (and as juvenile as it sounds), I’ve found that the older I’ve gotten, the less allure comes with the prospect of having a crush. What once was a dreamy motivation to show up to school and look cute doing it has become, like most things with age, something I approach with caution. That’s putting it lightly. I dread it.

It’s no secret that the modern dating scene has taken a turn for the worse; with everyone possessing a phone allowing for limitless access to false intimacy, casual sex, and an endless roster, it’s no surprise that the general attitude towards dating is nonchalant at best and distrustful for the most part. Ask almost any 21st-century girl, and she’ll tell you about a ‘situationship’ that fundamentally changed her brain chemistry (Situationship is not a word, stop allowing it to be).

But alas, I’ve found myself with a crush, which means I’ve floundered back into the version of myself that, in her free time, instead of reading, writing, or generally creating through my own eyes, I’m looking at myself through the perspective of a man I hardly know. What would he think of what I’m doing right now? Would he like it? Would he think I look pretty doing it? At the trainstops of my daydream,s I’ll catch myself. My very own omniscient narrator is judging the last 15 minutes I wasted pretending to be in love. It’s absolutely and utterly pitiful. 

Oh, and don’t get me started on the mental energy wasted. Days suddenly revolving around a text back- taking showers, naps, and walks in the hopes of medicating the seismic cracks in my heart that form for every hour I don’t receive a response. And subsequently waiting to text back as long as I can so the metaphorical ball stays in my court, a tactic that usually lasts around 20 minutes. Spoiler: if you ever feel this way about someone, they are not the one for you. Quit dragging it. 

But why does this have to feel so stressful? Whatever happened to the excitement that came with the idea of love? Above all things, your 20s feels like a never-ending spinning plates act. When I have essentially unlimited freedom for the first time, should I really spend it spinning one plate that could very well fall and break with one shaky breath? Especially if it means compromising my personality-reminder, a girl who only talks about boys is capital B Boring. It seems crushing in your 20s is riddled with responsibility as a woman, and I've grown so fiercely independent that the idea of dating someone almost feels like I’m cheating on myself. 

Who am I in the hours where no one sees me, and how does that change when I wrap my mental energy around what I assume someone else would like, what someone else would find attractive? Between the frustration that comes from silence, and the delusional dream state I involuntarily enter when receiving some form of validation from my crush, being in a talking stage is like a constant pendulum swing of being male-centered or being male-hate-centered. And further, as a chronically self-sufficient girl, a crush has always felt like a game I don’t know the rules to, don’t care to learn, and ultimately do not want to play. 

So where does that leave us? Here are some harsh reminders to hopefully help you keep your head on straight, shared with love, of course. 

1. Stay busy

There is nothing more pathetic than waiting around for a text. Keep a clear sight of your goals and start crushing on yourself. 

2. Reel in those daydreams

As fun as it is, a daydream is often a one-way ticket to disappointment. Catch yourself and call it a day- a real one. 

3. Make plans, don't cancel them

I cannot tell you how frustrating it is to be on the other side of this when your girls cancel on you to hang out with a guy. Surprise surprise, the boy isn’t gonna cancel on his boys to hang out with you, so don’t do that to your girls. It’s nauseating. 

4. Start a new hobby

This may seem contradictory, but sometimes crushes can be opportunities to become more interesting. We are, after all, puzzle pieces of the people who have impacted us in our lives. Learn a new skill you enjoy that you can also talk about on dates. At the very least, it will pass the time. 

5. Give yourself grace

All in all, I know this has sounded cynical or borderline pessimistic. Love is exciting and fun, and you should never get down on yourself for seeking it. But in this day and age, when getting a boyfriend is not the final step in achieving womanhood (re: Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now, Vogue) You should simply not compromise yourself to fit a man’s mold. Simply say take it or leave it.